Thursday, 27 August 2015

SOME UNSOLICITED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE - GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE & ROOM TO GROW AS INDIVIDUALS EVEN WITHIN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE

My wife and myself on our anniversary in 2014


SOME UNSOLICITED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE - GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE & ROOM TO GROW AS INDIVIDUALS EVEN WITHIN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE

A BIG mistake MOST young people make as far as I can see, is to mistake SUFFOCATION with LOVE, if you love someone - let them go, if they love YOU - they will return to you ON THEIR OWN.

You cannot 'force ' someone to love you by becoming a tick on their ass all the damn time and never giving them some time alone without you hovering like a surveillance drone over their head 24/7, give them some SPACE to grow as individuals, in EVERY healthy relationship each person needs some time ALONE (they were NOT born with you - and are likely NOT to die with you either), take valuable examples from nature...the West Indian Mahogany tree is a beautiful, majestic and highly prized thing (like a good marriage)...but two Mahogany trees CANNOT grow on the same spot...each tree needs the space and room to grow ON ITS OWN (just like human beings), yet they CAN and DO grow up side by side close enough for their roots to be intertwined below the surface in a way that we cannot see (just as true love will weave two hearts together invisibly).

BOTH of you had (or should have) your own true friends that you knew BEFORE you met each other....I know I did - and still do, and I will make time for my friends - I don't need to ask my wife for permission to do so...am I her slave or something? No I am not, and neither is she my slave, she has all the freedom in the world to spend time with HER true friends as well...who the hell said that once you marry someone you must automatically forget your true friends who were with you all your previous life - and then make your entire universe revolve around your spouse and them ALONE? She does not have to like my friends - and I do not have to like hers...MY true friends are mine - and HER true friends are hers.....sure it is always nicer if we both DO like each other's friends - no doubt about it, but there is no rule saying this must be the case...I really don't care either way.
I deliberately add the descriptive word 'TRUE' friends, as a true friend is not going to encourage you to cheat on your spouse or do anything that would disrupt or damage or destroy your happy family life.
No harm at all to have a hearty laugh with your true friends - who's main interest will be harmless time spent in this way with you.

If you begin your relationship trying to control your spouse or make your spouse 'choose' between spending time with you or their own parents or siblings, you just crossed the LAST line....because your spouse might not always be your spouse - but your family will ALWAYS be your family....and if/when your marriage fails - it is your same family you will run back to for moral support (and you will feel like a real fool if you were previously taking your spouse's side against them...so remember THAT) and to try to come between a person and the parents who gave them LIFE and raised them to adulthood shows that you are a very insecure and self-centered person (a JCF 'Jealous Control Freak) - and it would be wiser to break off the relationship with such a person ASAP, a JCF person (easily recognized because they will DEMAND you tell them - as if they 'own' you - who you were with, where you went, why you went there, how long you spent there etc. I would neither treat my spouse like that NOR tolerate her trying to 'control' me that way either. EVERY marriage to a Jealous Control Freak is GUARANTEED to end in failure (and likely a lot of ugly unnecessary & embarrassing drama on your 'road to ruin' as well).

I send my wife on trips abroad alone every year (I don't have to be there like a JCF to spy on her movements), and if an opportunity comes up for me (UN or OAS sending me at their expense to some foreign country for a few days or weeks which tends to be an annual event for me also) I AM going to take that free opportunity for personal growth and go, I am not EVER going to 'ask' my wife if I 'can' go, I AM going to politely inform her that I have been given an opportunity that I could not afford to have on my own - and therefore I am accepting it....end of the story.....(except for the part where I buy something for my wife & kids in that foreign country as I always do)....same goes for her if any opportunity comes her way - I support her to go for it 100%! Not a problem for me in the least....for if we have no trust in each other we might as well separate now....if your spouse is determined to cheat on you - they WILL, and there is nothing you or I can do to stop it, so why let the fear of it turn you into a 'Jealous Control Freak'? You will only give YOURSELF stress; not them....all they will do is use YOUR JCF behavior to JUSTIFY even more cheating! So you just became your own worst enemy you fool.

NO-ONE IS EVER GOING TO BE THE PERFECT SPOUSE, there will ALWAYS be something, even just 1 thing, that you dislike or downright HATE about your spouse, I have only 1 thing I hate about my wife, but she has a few about me (and trying to sleep in a bed with me without a gas mask after I drink milk is one of them), other than that ONE thing, I am happy with everything else, I got the Virgin wife I always wanted (like my dad & grandfather), I got the more full-blood than me Amerindian children I always wanted, she is a fantastic cook, wife & mother, she knows how to fend for & defend herself with all kinds of weapons from her fists to an AK-47, and she is still petite (my dolly I say) after 22 years together and her giving live natural birth 5 times (she just gained 20 lbs from the day I married her to now...she was 90 lbs & 4 ft 10 at the age of 17 when we wed (I was 19) in 1992, now she is 110 lbs and 4 foot 10 at the age of 39 today), and despite the kinds of 'incredible to believe crap' I read in American magazines about '1 year after marriage and we are bored in bed and only make love once or twice a month ' (what the HELL is wrong with you people? You should still be talking about once or twice a day!) - I am as excited & satisfied with my wife as I was on our wedding night over two decades ago.

So in summation, even though in your 'smitten' state (and we all know young people think they 'know everything' or that 'their feelings are unique and not the same as the elders advising them from EXPERIENCE...we have LITERALLY 'been there & done that') you will not want to contemplate the inevitable....but years from now - if you do not allow room for personal space - when you approach the time of the 'mid-life crisis' in your 40's usually - you will begin to feel increasingly bitter about 'not having had a life of your own' and not having friends or any time to do anything to develop yourself....because you made the childish decision to put 'time with your love' OVER everything else in your life....letting one opportunity after the other pass you by...when you could have been taking ALL those once in a lifetime opportunities and developing your own self at the same time as your relationship continued to grow...is your 'perfect relationship' so fragile that it cannot survive if you spend some weeks or months apart? If so....then it is definitely NOT as 'strong' as you think or want to believe it is.

TRUE LOVE opens BOTH your hearts & minds to a vast meadow of light...it does NOT build an invisible prison cell of darkness around anyone's else's heart!


My happy little family, my wife (front left), daughter Laliwa Hadali (front center), myself (front right), eldest son Hatuey (top left). eldest daughter Sabantho Aderi (top center), and second son Tecumseh (top right).

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